I woke up today to find Ana already up, planning my outfit. Dark jeans, a slightly loose-tight fitting turtle neck with a black belt. My usual knee high, high heel, black wrap boots, and a hair tie that was waiting to put my hair up in a messy pony tail.
There were so many urges throughout the day to cut. I kept planning in my head how I could do it, where I could do it, which places that would be safe to cover up.
"You aren't going to destroy the body we're going to make perfect!" Ana whispered viciously. I nodded and silently agreed. Once I finally reach perfection, I don't want it to be covered in my old nasty scars. We moved through the day, skipped breakfast, skipped lunch. Came home both of us bouncing with our silent victory through the day. "I've only had three cups of black coffee and one scrambled egg," I told her excitedly. She nodded with a smile, "That's under 100 calories today, tomorrow we should do a little better. Stride for no food, try not to drink too much beer tomorrow night, and whatever you do DON'T eat at work." Taking her advice in I agreed.
Tomorrow I will do better, tomorrow I won't disappoint. Just my bottles of slushy ice water.
I miss my old life. My VERY old life back to freshman year, and I'm a senior. Back to when disorders weren't a part of life, back to when friends were everywhere, and I didn't have to worry about keeping a mask of content-ness up.
Missing it won't make it come back. So I guess I should stop.
"We'll create a new life, together," Ana says, stroking my newly straightened hair. I smile. Yes, we will, Ana. We will.
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