Urges and Old Lives

I woke up today to find Ana already up, planning my outfit. Dark jeans, a slightly loose-tight fitting turtle neck with a black belt. My usual knee high, high heel, black wrap boots, and a hair tie that was waiting to put my hair up in a messy pony tail.

There were so many urges throughout the day to cut. I kept planning in my head how I could do it, where I could do it, which places that would be safe to cover up.

"You aren't going to destroy the body we're going to make perfect!" Ana whispered viciously. I nodded and silently agreed. Once I finally reach perfection, I don't want it to be covered in my old nasty scars. We moved through the day, skipped breakfast, skipped lunch. Came home both of us bouncing with our silent victory through the day. "I've only had three cups of black coffee and one scrambled egg," I told her excitedly. She nodded with a smile, "That's under 100 calories today, tomorrow we should do a little better. Stride for no food, try not to drink too much beer tomorrow night, and whatever you do DON'T eat at work." Taking her advice in I agreed.

Tomorrow I will do better, tomorrow I won't disappoint. Just my bottles of slushy ice water.

I miss my old life. My VERY old life back to freshman year, and I'm a senior. Back to when disorders weren't a part of life, back to when friends were everywhere, and I didn't have to worry about keeping a mask of content-ness up.

Missing it won't make it come back. So I guess I should stop.

"We'll create a new life, together," Ana says, stroking my newly straightened hair. I smile. Yes, we will, Ana. We will.

Returning Again

The girl in my head came back today. It was after I got home from work, the grocery store job had proven to be more than stressful tonight.

I got home and had three cookies that I made yesterday, they weren't the smallest cookies either. But when I dragged myself into the shower, and after I had washed clean, I turned the water on as hot as it could go, and sat down letting it cascade over me.

'You've forgotten me," She said, pulling my hair back. I closed my eyes, knowing She was right, knowing that I missed her as much as she needed me. She began to sing a lullaby to me while reassuring me that we could, we would work things out. That we would be together again, unstoppable.

Tonight I had wanted a lift from pills when I came home, instead, She found me, comforted me not to take them, that she could make me feel better.

I believe Her. And as I go to sleep with Her lullaby, I am going to sleep, knowing that everything will be okay.

Remembrance

I think I remember how this all began. The highs and lows that the scale read to me.

I was walking through the breakfast line, and I was wearing a graphic t-shirt that fell weird on my body. Especially my stomach. This grey guitar shirt hung from my body making the guitar sort of ripple up on itself, making my size 2 body look like it had fat rolls.

I don't know if they were talking about me, or if it was anyone else in the full lunch room, but I heard the one whisper.

"Look at those fat rolls."

I had stiffened when I walked by after I heard that. Became aware that my stomach perhaps wasn't flat enough. Maybe I was fat. Two years later lead me to the present of today, I have gained at lease 15 pounds, but the girl in my head reappeared tonight.

She came back to show me that I wasn't alone, that I didn't have to be by myself.